By Amanda Gardner
Jan. 06, 2022
Many psychology experts consider commitment the key to satisfying, lasting relationships. Learn how to spot signs someone is afraid to commit—and what it takes to get past the roadblocks.
Do you know someone with a fear of commitment?
Commitment may be the most critical component of successful long-term relationships. After all, says Lawrence Josephs, PhD, a professor at the Derner School of Psychology at Adelphi University in Garden City, New York: The more committed you are, the more stable, successful relationship you’ll have.
Commitment is a decision, Dr. Josephs says. It moves you and your partner beyond the initial chemistry that propelled you into the relationship in the first place to stay bonded after the initial period of bliss diffuses.
John Lydon, PhD, a professor of psychology at McGill University in Montreal, explains: “Commitment is the general motivation to maintain one’s relationship.”
Know somebody who seems like they could be lacking that motivation? Here are some tell-tell ways to recognize a fear of commitment—even in yourself.
Why does someone fear commitment?
Jessy Levin, PhD, senior psychologist at Northwell Health in Lake Success, New York says the reasons an individual is averse to commitment can vary, and some commitment-avoidant people may have more than just one of these reasons. Dr. Levin adds that some people just don’t want to be in a long-term monogamous relationship ever.
But how come? Well, says Dr. Josephs, some people fear commitment because it implies responsibilities. Those may be financial: Maybe they’re not so keen on the idea of paying for two at dinner, the thought of buying gifts for holidays or birthdays, or they’re not interested in the thought of one day raising children (which typically demands financial stability and investment). Maybe they just loathe the idea of having to be somewhere on time for plans you’ve made.
You may have also had a brush with a case when an individual’s unwillingness to commit has been rooted in their childhood. Early family dynamics and previous trauma can play a role, says Matt Cohen, PhD, a clinical psychologist and assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of North Carolina. “We are driven by such a rich tapestry of our own histories,” Dr. Cohen observes. “So many things impact how we show up in a relationship.”
Here are 6 signs your partner won’t commit: