Dear LoveSmarts,

I am a mother to a beautiful 5 week old baby. I love my son with all my heart but like so many I wish I would have had him 5 years down the road to a man that I was married to. I cannot give my son the cool toys every other kids have, I cannot give him the father that he deserves because he’s not around anymore, I cannot give my son alot of things that he deserves and that makes me sad. I can only give him all my love and raise him to not make the mistakes that his mother made.

Like so many teenagers I thought that drugs and sex were cool, so that’s how I lived my life. I was not carefree, I was reckless. I started dating a guy and our relationship was based on sex. Those are the worst relationships to have. We broke up because we had nothing in common but physical attraction. 6 weeks later I found out I was preg­nant. He said that he would be there for me. He lied. I had to face the world alone and pregnant.

I had the support of my mom and my best friend, which helped, but every pregnant woman needs the father to stand by her to make it really ok. I struggled to save up enough money by myself working 50+ hours a week and that was hell since i was pregnant. Many of my friends deserted me cause what teen wants to hang out with a preg­nant girl? For 9 months i lived in fear and excite­ment of what was to come, but mainly fear.

Finally the big day came. For all who girls who are having sex, I want you to realize that labor is the most pain you will EVER experience. I will say that it is worth it once you look into the innocent eyes of your baby for the first time. Raising a baby is hard. I have no time to socialize with the few friends I have and what money I have goes to diapers and formula. You will be sleep deprived and that once-beautiful figure you had is re­placed with huge hips and stretch marks…battle wounds, as I like to call them. I can’t say this for all cases, but in most the father will not be there. My son has not seen his father since the day he was born and I could’ve prevented that had I waited until I was married.

I would not give up my son for the world but I will never be able to give him the world, and ev­ery child deserves that. If you care about your future children you will wait. And don’t think that socalled “protection” always works, cause i used protection and it obviously didn’t. Good luck!


Dear LoveSmarts,

I am 15 years old and a sophomore in High School. I am the person who asked the question “if people lose their virginity, do they lose their value?”. What I was trying to say is that I lost mine and I really regret that I did because I was not ready. I do not even like the boy I had sex with. I figured this is what I am here for, I am not worth anything else to him but for that, so I let him. It angers me that I was so stupid. After that, I went home and cried. It makes me feel worthless, valueless, like all my dignity and innocence have been stripped from me, thrown onto the ground and trampled on. I did all this to myself. I feel like I am no longer valued by anyone. Like everyone looks down on me. I feel like I am not worthy enough to get married. I told both my parents what happened. My father says that sex is natural, just to be careful when I experiment. My mother said that I was being trampy. It hurt me when she said that. I asked her if she thought I was a bad person and she said that I am not because everyone makes mistakes.

I also have a serious issue with my self-esteem and self-confidence, self-worth. Every one says that I am beautiful but I do not see it. I think that is another reason I gave in so easy like that. I told a friend who is a Christian and also a virgin. She said to ask for forgiveness and do not let the problem be a bur­den because it was a mistake. My mother and father said the same. I just get really upset that I cannot offer my husband (if I get married) that beautiful gift.

I feel like I am one of the statistics that say “ 70% of high school girls graduate non-virgins”. I wish I could say that I am a virgin, but now I cannot. It makes me hate myself even more. My father is away overseas in the army, and I cannot talk with him. I feel like I have lost everything. I have done some other things that makes me not want to live anymore. I am just so sick of everything and so sick of life. I really have not had a boyfriend or anyone who pays attention to me because they are so stuck on “thick” girls who sleep around a lot and will do anything for something in return. That boy gave me the worse experience I have ever had. I truly regret what I have done, but it was a lesson learned. I will continue to be abstinent until death or until I am worth something to someone to get married to. What do you think?


Dear Jenny,

I think you are a sensitive person who possesses an inner beauty and awareness . That’s why you cannot enjoy uncommitted sex . You are someone who wants real, lasting love. I believe you are much more likely to find that by following your decision to delay sexual intercourse until you get married. That way you will bring less negative baggage from the disappointment of immature sexual relationships.

There is someone on the earth right now who will be your future husband and love you the way you deserve to be loved. You made a mistake, but you learned from it and are moving in the right direction. I believe you can become stronger through this painful experience.


Dear LoveSmarts,

I just want to say thank you for taking the time to read my messages and respond to them with helpful advice. I am still trying to discover who I am. That is what my father said before he left. He said that I am still trying to figure out who I am. I remember, about 2 weeks before he left, he asked who I was, what I was and I could not even answer him. It confuses everyday because I do not know what I want. My grandmother used to always say that without the bad times, we would not know the good.

I am just trying to get through High School right now. I want to say thank you again for really car­ing about my issues. Do you think that the person meant for me will truly love me for who I really am in spite of my past, all my faults and imperfections?


Dear Jenny,

Yes, I do think there is someone who will accept you as you are. I love my wife even because of some of her imperfections. If she had no limitations, would she even need me that much? It’s natural not to know who you are in high school. You are changing and growing. Be patient with yourself!


Dear LoveSmarts,

I just wanted to commend you for your website and your program. Although it sometimes may seem that no one is listening, there are many who do listen.

I was sexually abused when I was in grade school and have had many advances made upon me, but I’ve remained celibate through it all. It really hasn’t been so hard. I just know I’m going to wait. It’s easy when I look at all of my friends and the problems they’ve had from pregnancy to diseases or unnecessary ‘heartbreak’. It’s all rather silly to me. I’m about to graduate from college now and it’s so horrible how sex revolves around the campus, in conjunction with drug and alcohol abuse.

I’m 23, still a virgin and I’m very happy for it. I’m engaged now to a man who shares the same views as me and I’m very excited about our life together.

Thanks, Naomi 

Dear LoveSmarts,

I’m not a teen now, but was a teen mom. I’m just a friend of a mother who just found out her 12yr old daughter has had sex for the first time. This is not the only story of this age group I have heard about. The girl had a boyfriend over the summer and when school started, everyone decided to start a rumor that they were “doing it” and that she might be pregnant. Sex didn’t even cross their young minds until the other kids put it there. After more than a month of rumors, humiliation, and harassment, they decided to just do it. Everyone was talking about it,….why not just do it and see what the big deal was. She hated it, it hurt, and she never wants to do it again.

Where do you go from here? Her mother has al­ways been open with her about talking about sex. She knew everything needed to know about sex and still did this “unprotected.” I was going to offer my story with my friend’s daughter about being a teen mother.

I was 15 and pregnant. I’m 21 now with a 5yr old. I finished high school, got my diploma, kept my job, stayed with his father, and I’m starting my first year in college this spring. I’m an abnormal case of teen pregnancy, but for the good. My life is great, a healthy, happy and smart child, sup­port from my family and just a normal life almost.

BACK TO THE OTHER 90% OF TEEN PREGNAN­CIES. My friend for example: 16 and pregnant-baby with birth defects (higher risk in teen moms)- She has been infected with STD’s. The baby’s father is a high school drop out with a minimum wage job- She has new boyfriends every week, very unstable life for the child with dif­ferent father figures who don’t stay around. I could tell a 100 more of these stories.

I just want these girls to know that “Don’t do it because people think you are doing it or because it just seems like something to do and you fig­ure….might as well just do it.” This world has a lot more in it than sex. I missed a lot and would love to change it all. Remember that many teen­age pregnancies don’t have happy endings.


Dear LoveSmarts,

I have recently been to your website looking for answers…I haven’t always been this depressed, I have been sexually abused for 7 years and no matter what my family and i do someone always does it. I haven’t looked into a sexual relationship for “love” I have all the love I need at home. How many of your volunteers have been through what over half of the world has been through….how many know what it’s like to hate the op­posite sex? If you don’t know what its like how can you help prevent what happens every day? It’s a battle no one will win because teens are going to do it whether you or anyone else wants them to or not. I guess I have one main question… are you going to keep every teen from this when it’s impossible?


Dear Jerica,

The questions you ask about sexual abuse and “how many know what it’s like to hate the opposite sex?” express so much pain, I hardly know how to respond. I wish I could erase all the things that have been done to you, but I can’t. (What was done to you is illegal. Those who did these things should be prosecuted for their crimes. I advise you to talk to your school guidance counselor or another responsible adult to get the help and protection you need!) 

What I can say is that when people misuse love and sex, bad things happen to them, and to others. This is no secret to you or almost anyone else willing to pay attention. Many teens we have contact with understand this very well. Some of them have made these mistakes and have chosen to stop making them. They understand that the time to experience sexual intimacy will come again—later.

Other teens have not yet made these mistakes and see no reason to start. They understand that sex and love can be beautiful when done at the right time with someone who is truly willing to be committed to you, & willing to declare their love for you publicly, as in marriage.

Some say sex is just for fun, so why not? Some say sex is something I take to get pleasure, or because I might as well since all my friends say they’re doing it. Some are just confused because they’ve never received real, selfless love from anyone who didn’t expect something in return. But why are most of them so unhappy?

I think the reasons many teens do have sex is because they think it’s a way to be ‘grown-up.’ Since you have to have some ‘grown-up’ body parts to have sex, they think that doing it will somehow prove that they are mature. Or they are so hungry for affection they will settle for a few crumbs of love even if they have to give away their bodies.

Jerica, you say, “its a battle no one will win because teens are going to do it whether you or anyone else wants them to or not. I guess I have one main ques­tion… are you going to keep every teen from this when its impossible?” Well, you’re right, no one, me included, has the power to “keep every teen from this.” To be honest, there are too many adults who profit from teen sex, from using teens for sex personally or from making money from it.

All we can do is talk honestly about these issues. There are many teens who understand exactly what we’re trying to say, and just need some encouragement to go the right way in their lives. Sometimes the ones who argue the most with us are the ones who most want to receive an answer.

Thank you for sharing some of your painful heart with us. I hope we hear from you again. Please contact us if you need help to get away from your dangerous situa­tion, or if you just want to talk.


Dear LoveSmarts,

I have to admit one thing, I am not a virgin, but I have chosen to stop having sex until I am more mature and more prepared to handle it. I hope the link on my page to your site will bring some traffic to your site. If it helps other teens to make the right choices then I am glad I could help. I think what you are doing with your site is great. I hope that you can keep it going.


Dear LoveSmarts,

I recently lost my virginity last week and…it wasn’t what I expected. The guy was a guy I have been with for the past 2 years, but our relationship is purely physical. I’m not saying the sex wasn’t great, but I felt very dirty afterwards. I read your article on the top 13 reasons why teenagers have sex and one of the reasons was “loneliness.” I think that’s why I have been with this guy so long is because I’ve been out of it lately, for the past 2 years. Thanks for posting that article. Now I know I’m not the only one who had sex for that. 


Dear LoveSmarts,

Hi. I was looking at your website. I think I originally came across it when I was making a documentary on generation gaps and sex in this generation. Any­way, I’m 17 years old. I totally respect your views and I admire your mission. I definitely think that teens need to hear this stuff. We get all too much influence from TV and other media. Too often teens have low self esteem…or only hear the messages sent out by companies that sell sex. Anyway, my comment is that your ideas are great but I think the way they are presented could be improved. To most teenagers, it doesn’t seem realistic. It seems like adults and some kids from a small town in Idaho saying “don’t have sex”. Or at least that’s what I can see from my position as a born and bred new yorker. It seems like a more flexible and realistic ap­proach would help kids relate more. In my personal experience, when i was young I always thought I’d not have sex until marriage.

There always questions. Lots of thoughts go through the teenagers mind.. “I feel ready. We love each other.” But then you also think “we’re young.” and life changes so much. I think teenagers need solid short term goals. The thing I’ve said to myself for now is that I’m not going to lose my virginity while I’m still in high school. This is because life will change so much after high school that I can re­evaluate things then. But I can’t make decisions for a life coming up I know nothing about. I think that if teenagers have these goals such as “I won’t have sex before marriage” they seem too remote. For a lot of teens, sex is an immediate issue and it needs immediate solutions.

I think immediate goals are easier for teens to relate to. It may sound bad that my only goal is to maintain my virginity for the rest of high school which is only 6 months…but that definitely does not mean that as soon as a graduate I’ll be having sex. It just means that once my life situations have changed I can re-evaluate my relationships and my life and make another short term goal, or maybe a longer term goal. Maybe I’ll say to myself “I’m not mature enough to make this decision yet. I should experience another year of college and life on my own…and then re-evaluate”. I think that because sex is such an immediate moment thing, it needs to be dealt with in such a manner. For me, when The thought of having sex is crossing my mind saying I should remain pure until marriage” means very little. it seems so remote and unreal. But if I say “I’m not ready to make this decision/take this step now”. It works better for me. It’s a fact and a deci­sion I can feel and deal with right now.

Anyway, that’s my story and those are my ideas. I don’t know if you’ll use them, but I thought that you could possibly influence a larger group of teens with a different approach. Thanks.


Dear Jennifer,

We each have to know ourselves, our own strengths and weaknesses, to find the approach that will work best to help us to achieve the best life we can choose for ourselves, so if focusing on more immediate goals helps you to do that, go for it!

It’s a good decision to wait until after you graduate from high school, but do you realize that more women become single mothers in their twenties than in their teens? The problems (physical and emotional) resulting from uncommitted sex don’t vanish with a high school diploma.

I agree with you that when you feel close to someone it’s natural to desire sexual intimacy. This is completely un­derstandable, but marriage is the only arrangement I know capable of handling the consequences of sexual intimacy in a just way. This is because in marriage, both the man and the woman take complete responsibility for the pos­sible consequences of sexual union. Nothing else works as well or demonstrates as much real, lasting love. Thanks for sharing your honest thoughts and insights.


Dear LoveSmarts,

My name is Tara and I am 15 years old. I came upon your web site by chance and was quite intrigued. I have decided to help out in this program in anyway that I can. Recently this year, at my first prom, I was dumped because I refused to have sex with my date. Later he accused me of having sex with 4 other people at once and it ruined my reputation horribly. I was lucky to have been moving out of that area anyway, but I was completely embarrassed and humiliated there after the rumor was passed around the school. I was blockaded in the school by girls who threatened me and my friend, who was supposedly involved in this act I never committed. No one would believe me that I hadn’t done anything of that sort with anyone. I read how these volunteers changed lives and would love to do the same, to help change the teen society and make sex an experience they WANT to wait for. Please tell me how I can help. Thanks for your time and good luck with the program!

Sincerely, Tara

Dear LoveSmarts,

My name is Darlene. I very often do wonder if I will ever get married, but I do understand that’s not my worry. It’s just tough not to think about and not to dream about. My parents have told me that they had their best sex after they were married, so I decided, “why waste it before marriage?” I am a virgin. Very proud of that.

The toughest place to keep your morals intact is college. I am not away to school, but I still find it hard to keep away from the jokes and pornography (the bar here has hired a pornographic hypnotist and it’s been in the school newspa­per).