How to Free Your Relationship From Unwanted Expectations
Push back against “silent agreements,” the unspoken rules of your relationship.
Linda D. Anderson, Ph.D., Sonia R. Banks, Ph.D., and Michele L. Owens, Ph.D. of Silent Agreements
Couresty of Psychology Today
Your earliest relationships have a great influence on many of your behaviors, decisions, and conscious and unconscious motives. Silent agreements are the unspoken “rules” of your relationships. They grow from the assumptions, expectations, and beliefs that you don’t talk about but still hold others accountable for. They show up in every kind of relationship, and as you read on, you’ll probably discover that you’re participating in several silent agreements.
Silent agreements sound something like this; “His mother is allowed to criticize my cooking, but I’m not supposed to respond,” or “My daughter is getting good grades, so I stay out of her school work.” Such agreements can continue indefinitely, often without discussion, because of fear, guilt, feelings of obligation, or aversion to conflict.
Because you don’t share your agreements aloud, complications in your relationships can arise. You may believe that the other person understands the terms of the silent agreement and is fully aligned with it. Consider how many times you’ve said something like, “He should know that already,” […]
Sandy Bober shares her personal testimony about being raped in college, her infection with an STD and her struggles and ultimate victory to regain her self-esteem, healthy relationships and a successful marriage.
Here at Love Smarts, we would like to share helpful information including personal stories of relationship successes and failures, insights from psychology and human experience about what leads to lasting love relationships.
We look forward to hearing from YOU which articles were meaningful and also about what you have learned from your own life experience, whether that was a top-of-the mountain joy or a relationship disaster!
The Institute for Relationship Intelligence is a 501c3 nonprofit organization (EIN 22-3301766). All donations are deeply appreciated and tax-deductible.
Inspirational Quotes
Recent Articles
The Good Dad: The Transformative Power of Fatherhood for Men and Children
Drawing on his new book, “Gender and Parenthood: Biological and Social Scientific Perspectives” (Columbia, 2013), W. Bradford Wilcox details the ways in which fatherhood is a transformative experience for men, both biologically and socially. He also explains how fathers make a distinctive contribution to their children’s lives. Wilcox, the Director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, concludes by discussing the ways in which marriage connects men to their children.
Chicken and egg dilemma about the decline in marriage
By Janice Shaw Crouse, March 5, 2015
Courtesy of Washington Times
Just as relentless, powerful winds and waves pounding against a strong sea wall can over time bring it down, the institution of the family today is beset by a perfect storm of hostile cultural influences and bad policies that threaten to cripple it, even destroy its existence.
Some experts, instead of attempting to identify the root of the problem, are spending their time debating “chicken and egg” dilemmas. For instance, currently there is controversy over whether the breakdown of the married-mom-and-dad family is from […]